my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
