I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
