i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize