my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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