He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
