So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
