just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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