Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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