Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I can't turn off my feet"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
