I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize