And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
