He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize