Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
