My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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