by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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