sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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