Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
