so explain again why im purple
no
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
