you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
