I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
