You smell like stripper and shame
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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