Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
