You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
