Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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