What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize