I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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