My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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