I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
