Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
