Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
