Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
