I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
