is your mom at the bar?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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