Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
