just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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