Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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