I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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