Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm really busy with my period
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