I could make wine with my vomit
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
