Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
