if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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