You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
