Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
