I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
