i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
