I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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