Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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