i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
