She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
