the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
