u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
