My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
