I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
operation harelip BJ is a go
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
