We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
