My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
