We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
