the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
