What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize