Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
