i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
