guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
