i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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