the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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