girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
whose parrot is this?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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