sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
